What do I want ?

I honestly flat out don't know. There are things I'd like, but nothing I want. And thats the whole problem.I'm stuck and feel left out, abandoned with no guidance. I'm feeling around in the dark. Ive always been used to the dark but this is a different type of dark and I have no idea where the fuck I am. And its hard to get up on my feet again, hard to get back what I once had. Ambition and passion. I know its there, but its buried deep down and almost unattainable. Almost.I just need to find it, bring it back. Bring back who I wanted to be. Who I was going to be.

Ive been numb and in the dark too long. Ive been running around in circles. letting it all get to me. I need to let it go. I need to let all the pain go. I just need to find my way through this darkness. Im finding me way through this darkness. Slowly, but surely.

if i finish this, im gonna title it "everyday is a decade" and dedicate it to you

I cant write anymore. I don't know what to write, I have ideas, thoughts but they don't come out like they once did.And its reflecting my life. I was once ambitious, bight, eager and determined. I had a spark, a type of unknown motivation moving me. But that was before. Before. Before was a very long time ago, a time Ive forgotten. And I'm not sure if Ive chosen to forget or if it just happened that way; that the days have blurred into one long day that keeps repeating. And every day grows lonelier than the last because it feels as if no one else is repeating the day Ive been repeating. As if no one else is aware of what I'm aware of.

And so the idea of what is real and what is not begins to linger. Because this surreal feeling of life begs the question, and as one with an imaginative mind, I cant help but start to become delusional. I see what is not there, I see what is there and then I see what is beyond what is there. I play back and forth the things I could be doing, the conversations I could have and should have, what it is I want to do and/or say, and who I want to be five years from now or who I'd like to be. It keeps me occupied and entertained, but then I remember that I am doing this all to occupy myself from the lonely never-ending day. And so I must live and adapt to my surroundings of others and what it is I am told to be: a working class hero.