I'm quite positive its permanent.Its really the only thing I'm positive about. I mean I know I can be a "debbie downer" as one friend of mine so happily put it. But honestly, some people just don't know what its like. Its not easy...you all make it seem/sound easy. Its not. It lingers there in your mind and your heart waiting for that vulnerable moment when it can resurface to make you fall apart.Its in the moments when you feel so lonely and out of place and cant help but realize the recurrence of that feeling and how much you loathe it. And one cannot help but welcome it, because you get so used to it. Its all you know. Everything else can seem foreign, all those things/feelings you rather be doing/feeling, suddenly you don't think you really want them because you cant escape that emptiness. I always thought i was meant for something else, but I feel like maybe this was what I was meant for after all. That maybe out of all this bullshit redundancy, something great, something meaningful and sincere will come out of the "depth of my existence." I just need to push myself and stop sitting around staring at the walls of my room hoping to wake up from this dream-like reality.


At times you sink, you fall
into your hole of silence,
into your abyss of proud anger,
and you can scarcely
return, still bearing remnants
of what you found
in the depth of your existence.
-Neruda

Music

Words cannot explain what music means to me. Its my morning coffee, my habit,my obsession, my religion, my lover, my best friend, my mother, father, brother, sister; its the veins and organs that run through me, making my heart beat. I feel like the music I listen to is the soundtrack to my life. Like every song I hear was unknowingly written just for me. And each song has a special meaning. Each song is assigned a to specific memory, point in my life, or person I knew. Its the first thing I think about when I wake and the last when I close my eyes as I drift to sleep. Music is what keeps me going, it keeps me sane in the crazy world I live in. I cant imagine a life without music. I cant imagine my life without music.

Observation

I spend more time observing everyone around me then living my own life. I guess I’m constantly curious, constantly trying to find some sort of meaning to life, some sort of inspiration that will get me to write. I’m bored, constantly, pointlessly bored. “The cure for boredom is curiosity, there is no cure for curiosity,” was what Dorothy parker once said. It’s true. I can get rid of my boredom by observing everything around me and trying to figure those things out. Yet I can never stop the curiosity. Once it starts, all hell breaks lose. Nothing else matters because I’m finally preoccupied.

If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again,
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much,
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.

Blogs, mixed tapes and that other thing...

I just realized I have a blog thanks to the awesomeness that is Google.And I'm not sure if I'm being sarcastic or genuinely mean that. Regardless, its getting harder for me to come up with clever titles for the mixed CDs I make. It used to be very easy with extremely clever results, but not any more and I'm starting to find as a very bad sign. More importantly I think I rather go back to mixed tapes. In a perfect world there'd still be mixed tapes.

Blog: To write entries in, add material to, or maintain a weblog.
Weblog: A website that displays in chronological order the postings by one or more individuals and usually has links to comments on specific postings.

Why do we feel the need to shorten things-specifically words? I mean seriously, do you read your friends texts and think what the hell are thinking when they shorten the words and abbreviate. I mean I know its just so they can write more, but it bugs the shit out of me. Mainly because then I start to hear people use the shorten, abbreviated words as slang. No lie. I mean its pretty bad and ridiculously sad when you have both high school and college teachers constantly reminding you that you must use proper English language and not use the IM/text messaging words. It makes me wonder what this world is coming to. We are bringing up our children-the future of the world- into an ignorant world. Does anyone really want this? I sure as hell don't. I feel as if there are plenty of educated people in the world, only the majority of them are wasting it to become part of the commercial masses; and those of us, who enjoy our education and actually use it, are suffering from those mass idiots.

I could go on but I have work in like six hours give or take and I need to get some amount of sleep. Insomnia is a bitch but I do my best to have a semi-decent night of sleep.