Happy Birthday to Me (Sept. 23)

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.

Random Quote for the Day

Which reality is actually more powerful: that of the present, instantly absorbed by our senses and discernible, or the memory of what we experienced previously? Is the present truly more real than the past? I really do not feel capable of answering this.

Top Ranking (Blonde Redhead)

Life or something like it

I'm quite certain I'm madly in love with Miranda July. She's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Every time I watch "me and you and everyone we know" i feel inspired. I feel the need to write or draw or something.Anything. Something just clicks.

Things I need to do in no particular order..

• Find new job
• Write
• Draw/paint/something artsy
• Brainstorm
• More Brainstorming
• Find more artists for group exhibit
• Think of things to do to get exhibit started
• Email some more friends about exhibit
  
• Write some more
• Figure out what other things i need to do and make sure i do them
• Start using my lists of things to do ( i know i make hundreds but rarely use them; this is wasting my paper.)
• Plan Michelle's b day party/email friends & family
  
• Find way to pay for school books
• Call Financial Aid office
• Finish the book Sam let me borrow (though I'm not really sure he knows I borrowed it)
• Finish all the other books I started but have not finished
• Stop procrastinating
• Get more organized
  
• Find out what I need to make Michelle a kick ass b day cake just like the ones on Ace of Cakes
• Finish at least one of the stories Ive written but haven't finished
  
• Go shopping for school supplies
• Go shopping for art supplies (when I have the money)
• Find something to put all my writings in- ORGANIZATION!!
  

This Day of Age

relentless removal

still suffering from the last repercussions

radiant lies from the back of my hand

quiet raindrops of sorrow

the grayest day ive ever seen

may I take every word back

now im plagued with old memories

a familiar smell, I can never smell it the right way

listening to old songs that remind me of when(of then)

how I wish things would never change

cause I changed, you changed

and now were here on the grayest day ive ever seen

I cannot awake from this bad dream

Been trying to sleep it off, but I cant sleep

If only I could sleep forever

Something changed, when or how, ill never know

Never know how it could have been

Said all the right things, but wrote

Wrote all the wrong things, wrote too much

Too much expectance of something more

Well im gone

Ive gone into the deepest depression ive ever had

It seems so surreal, so out of place

Loss of innocence, loss of knowing better

Bounds to regrets so easily, so carelessly, so helplessly

Wanting to change what I cannot

Old news weve read before

Nothing more than a failure, another mistake

Hypocritical lies, under-developed beliefs

Another substantial thesis, better left unheard

Hold your tongue in hopes of denial

Always last to escape

Another freelance escapade, ride along

for another stupid idea

Always last to learn the lesson

Always last to realize the point

Last to see the picture

Estranged memories left for exposure, wrongful introspection

Was never that far from the soul

Of a remorseful sinner

Far below from my own potential, my own mind in its right place

On my last wall, my last mask,

Nothing more to hide,

Nothing more I can hide behind.

Apathy ( A loss of Innocence)

There’s a story behind every pair of eyes

A certain kind of fable of tragedies

I know I’ve been holding out on you

Trying to hide my lack of feeling

I remember the days when I could feel

The endless heartaches I had for weeks, years

Take me back to that childhood feeling

Cause I know I should feel more than this

This bitter emptiness

You look at me with such sorrowful eyes full of tears

And I, I stare blankly

A wide-eyed look of interest with nothing to say

I could act like I care

Put on a more expressional mask

Tell you everything you need to hear

When the truth is: There is never enough pain in the world

Our lives have begun to revolve around the need to hurt others

I remember a time when it was easier

When we weren’t so eager

When we were all sincere and happier

But that time has past.