I'm quite positive its permanent.Its really the only thing I'm positive about. I mean I know I can be a "debbie downer" as one friend of mine so happily put it. But honestly, some people just don't know what its like. Its not easy...you all make it seem/sound easy. Its not. It lingers there in your mind and your heart waiting for that vulnerable moment when it can resurface to make you fall apart.Its in the moments when you feel so lonely and out of place and cant help but realize the recurrence of that feeling and how much you loathe it. And one cannot help but welcome it, because you get so used to it. Its all you know. Everything else can seem foreign, all those things/feelings you rather be doing/feeling, suddenly you don't think you really want them because you cant escape that emptiness. I always thought i was meant for something else, but I feel like maybe this was what I was meant for after all. That maybe out of all this bullshit redundancy, something great, something meaningful and sincere will come out of the "depth of my existence." I just need to push myself and stop sitting around staring at the walls of my room hoping to wake up from this dream-like reality.


At times you sink, you fall
into your hole of silence,
into your abyss of proud anger,
and you can scarcely
return, still bearing remnants
of what you found
in the depth of your existence.
-Neruda